A breather

We have been Busy, with a capital B lately. And when I say busy I really mean since oh about September 12, which in my calculations is about the past 7 weeks. For people who are used to NOT being busy it has been a lot! A lot of fun, family, friends, celebration, time, exhaustion, balancing and energy. In fact I am kind of tired just thinking about what we have been doing the past month and a half! Let me recap.

It was spent celebrating a future marriage, in the form of a Vegas bachelorette party.

It was spent celebrating the beginning of a new marriage, one in which Hans literally started their marriage by officiating the ceremony! See him there, in the middle of the picture!!

It was spent celebrating birthday's (Hans 31st, Garett's 2nd and my 30th!)

It was spent remembering Jack. On his angel day

and at the Walk to Remember

It was spent with my mom and dad

with Hans mom and dad

my brother Michael and his girlfriend Christine

And in between all of that we have somehow managed to almost finish our basement! Hopefully (my fingers are crossed) it will be done this weekend!!

AND I have also fit in some time (but not always enough time!) to study for school!

Phew...although it has been great to have all our visitors, and fun stuff to do, we are so looking forward to next weekend where we have absolutely positively nothing planned! Yeah! Except to go trick or treating of course! And to finish the basement! Oh and to study! I guess you truly never have absolutely nothing to do right?

Butterfly pavilion and Pumpkin patch

Last week with my parent's here, it being Garett's birthday and wanting to do something nice on Jack's anniversary, we went on a couple day trips. On Saturday we went to the Butterfly Pavilion. The place is rather self explanatory, but it is an indoor tropical garden with tons of butterflies. I thought it would be somewhat of a symbolic place to go and spend a couple hours, have fun and remember Jack. It was a neat place, calming too. Interesting to be surrounded by butterflies. And in Garett's case the best thing of all about the butterfly pavilion was the zip line and maze...go figure he is two!

The next day we ventured to a pumpkin patch. The weather was a little bitter. It actually felt more like Minnesota than Colorado. Anyway, we walked up and down the rows of pumpkins. Checked out the corn maze. We did not go in the corn maze, it was gigantic, and personally the thought of entering in there and not getting out anytime soon, freaked me out a bit. Garett checked out the farm animals and loved the sheep. There were miniature horses (or donkeys according to Hans), a kitten, some ducks and a few chickens. Garett knelt down by the kitten and meowed at it, or rather made a screeching noise that he believes is meowing! We got some good practicing in on our farm animal noises! He loved the animals! In fact I am pretty sure he would have enjoyed an old farm. There need not be a pumpkin patch. Either way it was a nice (but cold and windy) day with grandma and grandpa!

Happy Birthday to Garett!

Garett had a birthday and we wanted to share some pictures!

This year he "figured out" how to open gifts

He was very serious about the whole process!

Of course Hans liked that Garett liked the cash register...

Hans would say it is never too early to learn about money!

And I would say it is never to early to start learning about your health!!

He loves his stethoscope!

He finally is interested in books...FINALLY! I was a little worried he may never like to look at book! Crisis averted!

Last but not least the gift from Grandma Kay and Grandpa Eric

He liked the candle...

only problem is he wanted to touch it!

And now time for a cupcake (or 2)...

which is green (the color of Shrek!) his favorite!

He liked it, the pictures speak for themselves!

It was a good 2nd birthday. We celebrated, he was spoiled by grandma and grandpa, we had fun and it was ALL about Garett. It was a perfect 2nd birthday. Now next year, maybe just maybe we will try a big time birthday party...maybe!

Missing Jack

Yesterday was sad. I know October 3 will always be sad, really I can't imagine a time even years from now when it won't be that way. When you loose someone you love a piece of your heart is forever taken with that person and time does not change that. Yesterday was made to remember Jack, because it as the day he left us and went to heaven.

Today, the 4th of October, a good friend of mine asked how it was yesterday. My response was, "it was sad." And it struck me as a very blatant and plain answer. But it was sad. How else should I describe the anniversary of Jack's death?

And than I realized, something I think I had known for a little bit now...that it is ok for it to be sad. I accept it. Really should it be anything but sad? No it should not. And I won't try to change that.

Most days when I think about Jack it is for a moment. Sometimes a passing, fleeting instant, sometimes longer. When I see Garett play by himself; I wonder would they have done everything together? When he talks in silly sentences that I can't understand; would Jack have understood? When I hear another little boy's mother call for Jack, I think of my Jack. When I see twins I wonder how different life would have been. There are so many moments that make me think of my boys, my twins.

But most days I cannot nor am I able to allow myself to linger on those memories for too long. It's not healthy. Often those memories come at rather inopportune times too, during work, or in the grocery store, or in conversations with others. Part of the grieving process is to learn your new normal and learn to maneuver through your day without falling into pieces every time you have a memory. And over the course of two years, I have learned that. And now most days I can even be thankful for those momentary memories of Jack. That is all we have of him, memories. And even somedays I am afforded the rare opportunity to talk about my son with others, to tell his story. Those days especially, make me smile.

But on October 3 of every year, it is ok to be sad for the whole day. To remember him, shed some tears, be with the ones we love, and tell his story. It is a day we set aside to remember his short life, honor him, love him and miss him. And in that sadness, in calling it what it is, I realize I find peace and acceptance.

So yes, yesterday on the 2nd anniversary of Jack's death, it was sad. Not only for Hans and me was it sad, but our whole family I am sure. But you know what? We had a simple quiet day, spent with my mom and dad. Part of the day was spent surrounded by butterflies. And we all thought about Jack in our own way. Sometimes in the simplicity of life we find healing. I think Hans' mom and dad did it well too...for a bit they sat under Jack's tree in the sun.

We love you Jack.