I am not going to lie, as happy as we are about having another baby, these next 5 1/2 months (I am 18 weeks) are going to be stressful. I have thought about this time many a times after we lost Jack. What will the next time be like? Obviously gone are the days, of blissful happiness, planing the room colors, picking out names, excitement for the baby shower, plans and dreams for when the baby is older, all those "1st time" feelings are nonexistent. Instead they are replaced with protective statements, defense mechanisms, lots of doctor appointments, focusing on the present and getting thorough each week. Some of these feelings even make it hard to tell most people we are expecting. I often tell Hans that if I could have this child and it be August already, I would have it that way. Skip this pregnancy part, I am fine with that. But we can't, so we endure the nerves and the what ifs, and the anticipation of the next couple of months, lean on each other and the ones we love.
After a loss there is so much fear involved. Fear of the unthinkable. But you know with that fear, there is hope. You have to have it! Hope that this time, we can take our baby home, happy, healthy and in our arms. No NICU, no oxygen, no meds, no bittersweet moments, no tears, no anger, no transfers to other hospitals, no disconnecting life support, no utter sadness, no absolute fear, no death. Only happiness. We want that ending.
So these next couple of month, I pray for strength and fortitude, perseverance and positivity that this time there will be uninterrupted joy. Keep us in your thoughts are prayers as we anticipate the arrival of #3.
