I have sat down multiple times to start another post after being away for so long and every time I get started one of two things happen, I get interrupted OR I can’t quite put into words the happenings of the last 4 months! To be honest the latter is more often what happens surprisingly.
So to recap…which I think I need to do for myself to put it all in perspective.
Ella was born in August. She is a beautiful, smiling 6-month-old little girl (wow I can’t believe it has been six months!) She wants to always be near someone and needs to at the very least see us. But very much prefers to be held. I guess you could say she is a people person. Garett as I recall was not that way, but I could be wrong. She loves her brother. He most often is the one to make her laugh. She is sitting up and soon will be crawling. She eats a whole bunch of fruits, and cries when she tastes most vegetables. It really is funny to see her dislike for anything green. She is a little dramatic (what 7 month old isn't)but has a smile and bright blue eyes that brings a smile to our faces and makes everything all right. She has a ton of brown hair. we could really trim her bangs, but I can’t bring myself to cut her hair. She gets bigger by the day. She is amazing; she has truly helped me heal in ways I could not understand prior to her arrival. I thank God for her everyday.
Garett turned three on October 1! Sometimes I cannot believe it has been three years since two little boys forever changed our lives. Garett loved his birthday and thought it was his birthday for days. We spent it as a family going to the Children’s Museum and having a “get whatever you want day” for Garett. He was happy. He is such an amazing little boy. He is inquisitive, observant, kind, opinionated, particular, funny, tough and an all around good kid. I am in constant wonder at the little boy he has become. Being able to sit and have a conversation with Garett is one of the neatest times I have found as a parent. He has a whole lot to say about everything! Sometimes when I truly sit down and think about where he has come from I am speechless. It brings me to tears. I thank God for him everyday (just like his sister) and thank God for giving us this healthy vibrant boy that started off as a 2lb little baby. Amazing.
We celebrated Jack’s third angel day. It was quiet, a pretty normal day really. It was sad of course, but it was ok. The third year has brought peace. I miss Jack everyday and every so often still think about what it would be like if they were both here, it doesn’t happen like is used to though. Ella had a lot to do with the peace I feel. But along this three-year journey, I have learned a couple things that have helped. Time helps immensely and it is true time does heal. Perseverance is the key to life. Perspective is a gift that time gives you. All these ideas were solidified from one single incident; I want to share that story. Really, it is my mom and dad’s experience. But through their experience I think we all healed a little more.
My mom and dad were on a vacation. They went down to the pool and swimming there was a mom and 2 little girls. They noticed right away they were twins, about the age of Garett. It took a little to notice but one of the girls was in a wheel chair. My mom and dad started talking to them. They told her our story. As it turns out, these girls were born early, similar to Garett and Jack. Like Garett the one little girl was healthy, but the other little girl had cerebral palsy and was in a wheel chair. The mom of the girls gave her condolences to my mom and dad for the loss of Jack. But as she got out of the pool, put her little girl in the wheelchair, she turned to my mom and dad and she said something like this, “ tell your daughter I know that it cant be easy to have lost a son, but this isn’t always an easy life either. “ She’s right. As much as I would give anything to have Jack back on this earth, it would not have been an easy life. Jack would have been sick, so sick. Needed 24 hour care. We would have risen to the occasion I am sure, but it would be a very different life than the one we know now, or the one I had envisioned when I was pregnant or the one I yearned for after Jack died. When my mom told me this story I was given a perspective I was unable to see until than. And had that story been told to be a year earlier, even 2 months earlier, I may have viewed it differently. But I believe it happened at that time for a reason. Perspective is something that times gives you. The ability to put things into perspective is a powerful thing. All I ever wished for after Jack died was to have two HEALTHY baby boys. But that was never going to happen no matter all the praying, wishing and hoping in the world. I was able to realize that what I really wanted was never possible. I was never going to see Garett and Jack play together, go off to school together, speak their very own language, dig in the dirt together, have that normal life that you envision when you find out you are having twin boys. Had Jack lived, that was never to be our reality, our story or our life. Being able to realize and understand that our reality would have been was so very different from what my dream had been was a game changer for me. Jack has given me so much more than I can ever realize especially now, today. Although he was only on this Earth for 3 days, he has made me a better, stronger version of my old self. My world was forever changed, for the good and bad, that day. But because of Jacks death so many good things happened that may not have had he not passed. Of course, DO NOT EVER GET ME WRONG, the death of a child is a gut wrenching, terrible, unfathomable experience and I would wish it upon no one. I would take him back here with me in an instant. But the reality is, we don’t get to choose our path in life, we don't get those choices, no do-overs. Sometimes bad things happen, really bad things, to people that are good. It makes no sense. But that is life. I have come to learn (very slowly) that wondering “why” is really an exercise in futility. And although I am still not a believer that everything happens for a reason, I am a believer that we make of it what we are given in life. We can choose to live and learn and be better from our experiences or we can let the experiences cripple us and tear us apart. We could have taken either path that day that Jack died, but we chose together to live and honor Jack’s life by living ours and we continue to do that and will always do that. So that is what this 3rd year, this October, brought me, peace and perspective and some perseverance.
1 week after Jack’s angel day we remembered Jack at the Walk to Remember. I was on the board, so participating in this event has become very special to me. And it is bittersweet that I won’t be on the board anymore. The Walk is a way to honor and remember all those babies that have been lost to oh so many families. It is a pretty amazing day, albeit, an emotional one too. Each child’s name is read and a balloon is released in the baby’s honor. It is somber seeing a balloon filled sky but releasing that balloon and hearing his name is nice. I know he was watching.
Shortly after that we headed to Minnesota for a 2-week trip which included driving to the twin cities, Duluth, Rochester and Owatonna. We visited lots of family and friends and had one huge 3rd Birthday party for Garett at a water park. It was a lot of fun and a little tiring. During that trip to Minnesota, we also were given a big opportunity…move back to Minnesota. It is really funny how life works sometimes. Hans was offered a job back in Minnesota, and after a lot of thought and prayer we decided to take the opportunity. And although moving back to Minnesota in November is not the most ideal time to move, we took that leap of faith and headed back to the cold.
Leaving Colorado has come with many emotions. Of course it is bitter sweet to leave the place you have called home for 5 ½ years. We left the place all three of our children were born, we left a home we loved, neighbors and friends we had met along the way and yes, most sad was we left some grandparents on the other side of the Rocky mountains. But life, I believe, is played out in chapters. Sometimes we know when a new chapter is starting, we did when we got married. But other times we don’t know what chapter may be ahead, we didn’t know our lives would be lead to Colorado and we didn’t realize that our family would be brought back to Minnesota now. But that is life. It is unexpected we know that first hand. You go with the flow; roll with the punches and when things fall into place you go with it. And so we closed out one chapter of our life and opened up a new one, back in Minnesota.
It has been nice to be back home. Although life has been a little crazy since being back! We were in an apartment for a month and now a house for 4 months and we have successfully found another home. This home will be on a lake! We are excited at the thought of living on a lake and are looking forward to the many memories that the lake life will bring. Although we know life is unexpected and planning futile, our hope is that we raise our children here, set down our roots and see them graduate from Buffalo. It is yet another step in our life. It is an understatement to say it will be nice to finally be settled!
Hans is adjusting to his new job. I found a job too! After being off for 6 months, I was happy to start back to work, but only part time. But as nice as it was to start working I miss that time with my kids. I am so thankful I was able to spend this time with Garett and Ella. It wasn’t always easy; it is a tough, tough job to stay home. But I am glad I was given that time. I have the utmost respect for the moms that stay at home! And so we are adjusting to life in Minnesota and look forward to spring coming. We have seen tons of friends, spent time with family and had free baby sitters!
That about sums up the last 6 months, and writing it has only taken about a month…maybe more! Before I know it, another 6 months will have passed before our eyes, life really is amazing like that. Blink and you will mi
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